Dear Recruitment Team,
I was delighted to see the advertisement on your website seeking a seasoned computer specialist. It is with great enthusiasm (and very little intention) that I submit my application.
I have extensive experience with computers. In fact, I possess skills that very few IT professionals can claim. For example, I know exactly how to give every member of staff mandatory leave—all at the same time—simply by introducing one tiny ransomware attack. Productivity immediately drops to zero, but morale mysteriously goes up because everyone gets unexpected time off.
I am also highly skilled at taking the company database home. Whether it arrives on a flash drive, an external hard disk, or through the cloud, I believe in keeping my work close to me.
Office politics? Not a problem. I have mastered the art of silencing toxic colleagues. Once I disconnect the office network, nobody can send passive-aggressive emails, endless Teams messages, or copy the entire company into arguments.
Career growth is another of my strengths. I can change jobs at any time—sometimes before lunch—especially after introducing my unique brand of "technical improvements."
If, by any chance, you fail to find my CV in your inbox, please don't blame me. Kindly check whether your computer has a virus. If it does, that merely proves my qualifications.
Finally, I would like to save both your valuable time and mine. Please do not consider this application, as I have absolutely no intention of appearing for an interview. However, if this letter made you smile, then I consider my mission accomplished.
Thank you for your consideration, and I wish you the very best in finding a candidate who is significantly less qualified in the areas described above.
Yours humorously,
A Very Experienced Computer Specialist (According to Himself).
I was delighted to see the advertisement on your website seeking a seasoned computer specialist. It is with great enthusiasm (and very little intention) that I submit my application.
I have extensive experience with computers. In fact, I possess skills that very few IT professionals can claim. For example, I know exactly how to give every member of staff mandatory leave—all at the same time—simply by introducing one tiny ransomware attack. Productivity immediately drops to zero, but morale mysteriously goes up because everyone gets unexpected time off.
I am also highly skilled at taking the company database home. Whether it arrives on a flash drive, an external hard disk, or through the cloud, I believe in keeping my work close to me.
Office politics? Not a problem. I have mastered the art of silencing toxic colleagues. Once I disconnect the office network, nobody can send passive-aggressive emails, endless Teams messages, or copy the entire company into arguments.
Career growth is another of my strengths. I can change jobs at any time—sometimes before lunch—especially after introducing my unique brand of "technical improvements."
If, by any chance, you fail to find my CV in your inbox, please don't blame me. Kindly check whether your computer has a virus. If it does, that merely proves my qualifications.
Finally, I would like to save both your valuable time and mine. Please do not consider this application, as I have absolutely no intention of appearing for an interview. However, if this letter made you smile, then I consider my mission accomplished.
Thank you for your consideration, and I wish you the very best in finding a candidate who is significantly less qualified in the areas described above.
Yours humorously,
A Very Experienced Computer Specialist (According to Himself).
