In the previous chapters I said something that may sound simple, but it is very deep: we are not here to help—we are here to support. That difference matters more than many people realize. Now I want to go deeper into this idea of support versus helping, because this is where many caregivers make mistakes without even knowing it. When people say, “I am helping,” what they often mean is that they are doing everything for the other person. They cook for them. They wash their clothes. They dress them. They make every decision for them. They plan their day. They control their movements. They decide what they eat, when they sleep, and what they do. That may look like care, but many times it is not support. It is control.
When you do everything for a person who is capable of doing some things for themselves, you slowly take away their independence. And independence is not a small thing. A person’s dignity is built on independence. Confidence is built on independence. Identity is built on independence. When you remove that, even with good intentions, you harm the person in the long run.
Supporting someone means following them, not leading their life for them. It means allowing that person to live their life, not yours. Your role is not to decide how they should live. Your role is to walk with them as they live the life they choose, as long as it does not harm others. Support means: supporting them to make decisions, supporting them in daily activities, supporting them when they struggle and supporting them when they ask for help. It does not mean doing everything for them. Every person—whether they have a mental disorder or not—has something they can do. Let them do it.
If a person can prepare their own breakfast, let them do it. If they can make tea or coffee, let them do it. If they can do laundry, let them do it. If they can clean, let them clean. If they can choose their clothes, let them choose. Your job is not to replace their abilities. Your job is to protect and strengthen them.
Many caregivers burn out because they help too much. They do everything. They carry everything. And then they become tired, angry, resentful, and exhausted. But when you allow a person to do what they can do, you reduce your burden and increase their confidence.
Many caregivers live in fear. They think, “If this person gets a knife, they might harm me.” They think, “If I let them do things alone, something bad might happen.” Yes, you must be alert. Awareness is important. Safety matters. But fear should not become control.
Most people with mental disorders are not violent. Unless they are being harmed or threatened, they are not dangerous. Treating them like they are dangerous all the time creates distance, fear, and shame. Let them use the knife to cut vegetables. Let them make a sandwich. Let them prepare their food. Be present. Be aware. But do not imprison them with fear.
There is something very important many caregivers forget: you will not always be there. One day, you may be sick. One day, you may move. One day, you may die. What happens to the person then? If you did everything for them, they will be lost. They will not know where to start. They will feel helpless, not because they are incapable, but because you never allowed them to practice independence. Support prepares a person for life without you. Helping too much prepares them for collapse.
Support is like being taller, not stronger. Let me explain it this way. If someone is short and cannot reach something high, they do not need you to carry them everywhere. They only need you to reach what they cannot reach. That is support. What is near them, they should do it.
What is within their ability, let them handle it. What is beyond their reach, that is where you step in. Do not take over what they can do. Only support where they cannot.
At the heart of support is dignity. People with mental disorders are not children. They are not objects. They are not burdens. They are human beings with thoughts, feelings, desires, and rights. When you support instead of control, you preserve their dignity. When you follow instead of dictate, you preserve their humanity. When you encourage independence, you preserve their future. So I say again, clearly and firmly: Do not help by taking over. Support by standing beside. Do not remove independence. Protect it. That is true care.
When you do everything for a person who is capable of doing some things for themselves, you slowly take away their independence. And independence is not a small thing. A person’s dignity is built on independence. Confidence is built on independence. Identity is built on independence. When you remove that, even with good intentions, you harm the person in the long run.
Supporting someone means following them, not leading their life for them. It means allowing that person to live their life, not yours. Your role is not to decide how they should live. Your role is to walk with them as they live the life they choose, as long as it does not harm others. Support means: supporting them to make decisions, supporting them in daily activities, supporting them when they struggle and supporting them when they ask for help. It does not mean doing everything for them. Every person—whether they have a mental disorder or not—has something they can do. Let them do it.
If a person can prepare their own breakfast, let them do it. If they can make tea or coffee, let them do it. If they can do laundry, let them do it. If they can clean, let them clean. If they can choose their clothes, let them choose. Your job is not to replace their abilities. Your job is to protect and strengthen them.
Many caregivers burn out because they help too much. They do everything. They carry everything. And then they become tired, angry, resentful, and exhausted. But when you allow a person to do what they can do, you reduce your burden and increase their confidence.
Many caregivers live in fear. They think, “If this person gets a knife, they might harm me.” They think, “If I let them do things alone, something bad might happen.” Yes, you must be alert. Awareness is important. Safety matters. But fear should not become control.
Most people with mental disorders are not violent. Unless they are being harmed or threatened, they are not dangerous. Treating them like they are dangerous all the time creates distance, fear, and shame. Let them use the knife to cut vegetables. Let them make a sandwich. Let them prepare their food. Be present. Be aware. But do not imprison them with fear.
There is something very important many caregivers forget: you will not always be there. One day, you may be sick. One day, you may move. One day, you may die. What happens to the person then? If you did everything for them, they will be lost. They will not know where to start. They will feel helpless, not because they are incapable, but because you never allowed them to practice independence. Support prepares a person for life without you. Helping too much prepares them for collapse.
Support is like being taller, not stronger. Let me explain it this way. If someone is short and cannot reach something high, they do not need you to carry them everywhere. They only need you to reach what they cannot reach. That is support. What is near them, they should do it.
What is within their ability, let them handle it. What is beyond their reach, that is where you step in. Do not take over what they can do. Only support where they cannot.
At the heart of support is dignity. People with mental disorders are not children. They are not objects. They are not burdens. They are human beings with thoughts, feelings, desires, and rights. When you support instead of control, you preserve their dignity. When you follow instead of dictate, you preserve their humanity. When you encourage independence, you preserve their future. So I say again, clearly and firmly: Do not help by taking over. Support by standing beside. Do not remove independence. Protect it. That is true care.
